, 8 min read
My thoughts on Jealousy/Envy || Night Thought series || Podcast Episode: 1
Hello, everybody! Welcome to my first "Night Thoughts" video/podcast thing, uh, where you'll only be hearing the sounds of my voice, and maybe my footsteps, and maybe pick up a little bit of the night.
So, this idea came to me because almost every single night I go for a walk, and all I do is think. And, you know, when it gets dark out, all you can do is think deeply. And I've heard from several other artists and thinkers that nighttime is the time where all of these thoughts come to you, and where you become very—not reminiscent, but where you're reevaluating your day. I'm sure the right word will come to me later.
I don't know if you can tell by the sound of my voice, but today was a very, very good day. So, I feel pretty high on life, pretty pumped, and I will get into that kind of near the end of this video. So, stick around to hear why. Because I am so happy and content in life right now, which is a very new and rare thing—um, very new to me.
Jealousy
It has gotten me thinking a lot about jealousy, and that's what I want to talk about. Is jealousy, and not just jealousy, but hatred, sheer hatred, of other people who you're jealous of. And I feel like that is taboo. I really do think that is a taboo subject when you acknowledge that people really do hate other people that they're jealous of.
I'd like to just go into my thoughts on it, and like the realizations that I've had about it in my own personal life. So, this, as always, is never me trying to teach anybody anything, but just share my thoughts and the lessons that I've learned from my own experience. And hopefully, you glean something from it, or at the very least, it gets your own mind running, because I think jealousy is another thing that everybody can relate to. So, everybody who's human.
As always, these videos are always going to be unscripted, so bear with me if I, uh, you know, struggle a little bit. Sorry for the breathing, I won't do that anymore.
Jealousy is something that I have always struggled with my entire life. It is one of my Achilles heels. I don't know if I'm using that in the right context, but just everybody has their kryptonite or their weakness, and one of mine is jealousy and comparison. And usually, the jealousy and comparison is towards other women who are my age, usually. Um, and now that I am feeling so good and so happy and content in life, I feel like I've gotten a completely new perspective on jealousy. And I've been kind of going back over and, you know, evaluating what exactly jealousy is, and what causes it, and like what the root problem of it is. Because if you look at it in a broad perspective, it seems very black and white, and even very superficial, because a lot of jealousy comes from just being jealous of somebody's looks, somebody else's looks, or their status in life, you know, what job they have, the money they have, what things they have, or what body they have.
For me, often it's women who have a loving boyfriend or husband, and they seem so happy in their relationship. Often, that turns into jealousy, and even hatred—um, that just kind of eats you alive if you let it. And, you know, I feel like what I'm going to talk about, it won't, like not everybody's going to relate to it, because I don't think not every single person experiences jealousy to the same degree. But I guess I'm kind of talking to the select few of you who really struggle with jealousy like me. Um, one of the first things that I have realized about jealousy is that a lot of it stems from feeling unworthy yourself, as well as a little bit of self-hatred. So, it's often not what the other person has, it's what you don't have, because you feel that there's so much lacking in you, and so much lacking in your life, and you're so discontented in your life that you hate somebody else for having it.
For me also, I'm sure I'm not making that thought very clear, but I'll just keep going. The biggest thing that has made the most impact on me is thinking about how it's not so much the things that the other people have, it's the feelings that I feel like they're having. Like there's this one woman in particular that I was exceptionally jealous of, and did feel feelings of hatred, and also it awakened feelings of self-hatred in me, was because this woman seemed to be and have everything that I wanted to be and have. And most importantly, well, she seemed to have the life that I wanted. Everything that she did every day was everything that I wanted to do, and everything she had was what I wanted. And she even seemed, like the biggest one was that she seemed so happy. And I used to think that it was smugness, and I hated the smugness, but it was the happiness that got me. Because the thing about jealousy is, you're not jealous of the other person. You hate when someone can hold up a mirror and show you everything that you lack, everything that you want.
Unhappy within myself
I've realized now, only recently, that it was never the life she had, or the happiness. It took me so long to realize that it wasn't her life or her that I was jealous of. I wasn't actually jealous. I was so unhappy within myself, and my life was so bad that I hated her for seemingly being happy and content. And I hated everything that she was because I wasn't those things. So, it wasn't quite like she seemed confident, she seemed fearless, she seemed to have the qualities that I wanted. She also had people's—people looking to her and and showing their support and love and encouragement. Basically, she was just showing me that I didn't have any of those things.
What I'm trying to say, and we can just try to simplify the idea that I've been trying to portray or convey, is that we often think that we're jealous of the superficial things, like somebody's job, somebody's money, somebody's face, or the fact that they have friends. But it's not those superficial things. What it is, is the lack that you have within yourself, and the emptiness you have within yourself, and the feelings of unworthiness that you have, and also the feelings of self-hatred.
And I felt kind of trapped for a long time in my loop of kind of hating this woman, and I never really knew how to stop being jealous. How do you stop being jealous of someone? And the answer, what I've learned, is it can happen naturally. It can happen naturally if you just choose to. Like, you don't have to put any effort whatsoever into trying not to be jealous. All you have to do is put your effort and your focus into yourself and into your own life. And, um, and change your life, make decisions to change your life.
But before I forget, I want to also say, think very hard, analyze the person that you're jealous of. Analyze what do they have? What are they that you want to be, but you're not? Who are they that you're jealous of? What things do they possess?
So, it's not just friends, it would be, you're jealous that they have people around them who care about them, or people around them that they can have fun with. And it's not just them having a boyfriend, it's the fact that they have somebody who's so devoted to them and so in love with them. And if you can narrow down these things, like,
- "Oh, she has the confidence," or
- "He has that I wish I had," or
- "She is doing the job that I wish I did."
You can really think, you can really pinpoint all of the things that are lacking in your life, and the things that you feel you lack. And don't beat yourself up. Just day by day, day by day, tackle them one by one, and work through them, and start to make these decisions to make your life better.
Being jealous of somebody is often an easier route to take rather than looking at yourself and asking yourself. So, jealousy of somebody else is saying that, "Why do they have all of this stuff that I want and I don't have? I hate them." So, it's putting all of your focus on this other person and making yourself feel completely powerless. Instead, we take the harder, tougher route of turning the focus on ourselves and our own lives, focusing on what we lack and what we feel that we need to be fully fulfilled and happy, which is often what we're jealous of as people who seem fulfilled and happy, and thinking of ways that we can improve our lives, and then focusing on improving our lives.
I mean, yeah, that's harder. It is harder. But if you can do it, if you can focus on yourself, and improving yourself, and improving your life by making these little choices gradually, life gets better. And it's like this very natural process where the better your life gets, the less jealous you are of others. And I've never really realized it until my life got so good.
And right now, I'm in such a good place in life. I'm so happy, so grateful. I am exactly where I need to be. I've made choices that I'm proud of. I've faced fears, and all of that makes me confident, and all of it just makes me feel like, why would I be jealous of anyone else? I have everything.